I'm In Love With An Idea...

From being a young boy crying on the edge of my bed, With salted tears and a longing for love, a strange feeling of unrest, Feeling like an adult nursing a teenage head, Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be happy, of what I had instead, Somedays, I just wanted to grow up too fast, I wanted a family, somebody that felt love, with me at last.

I had a vision, of what this would be, Sitting with her, on a hill, under a tree, Knowing that our children were loved, living their lives happy and free.

The first woman came along, I thought I could create this idea, I really believed that I loved her, but now I've realised this wasn't so clear, From this relationship, I've created so many fears, A fear of not being touched, A fear of not being loved, A fear of not being intimate, A fear that I'll never be enough.

This doesn't take away my feelings of being in love, I know I love, just in a different way, When I love, I love with such shame, I see that vision, That idea again, I feel this prison, My walls of pain.

It's right what they say, How can one truly love another, if you don't love yourself, I'm happy in what I do, even though at times I do need help, Sometimes I'm a father, Sometimes I'm a mother, I'm never going to change the world, But, I'm a parent like no other.

I have days that are hard, like most of us we get through them, Days I break my own heart, just to be back in my room on my bed, To get that feeling of being in love, to live for that idea, I need to feel that I am enough, I need to release my darkest fear.

A fear of letting somebody in, Nothing is going to happen, I know this, I get breathless just thinking about it, It scares me, That one day, I could be accepted, It scares me, That my idea could become a reality.

I don't know when I'll change, Will I ever love the same again? Somewhere, you're out there within my idea, Someday, our eyes will stare, Someday, my dear.

I'm in love, Just in love, with an idea...