I feel off ...disconnected like I can't catch my breath: it comes with life ; I know I'll get over it ! At times I feel like there's a monster chasing me...I try to out run it, but I end up emotionally hurting myself the most. I question myself: Do I need help? Am I a threat to myself? Nothing helps... I try to smile ,I try to laugh, sometimes all I do is just cry, I can't feel anything but pain. It feels like I make everyone around me that loves me, suffer with me!!!
I wish at times i had a magic wand to make me feel better... Instead I hold up a mirror and look at myself and see the parts in my life that I was trying to ignore . I'm afraid if I look too closely I'll break; maybe I will, I don't know. Maybe breaking is the point , I cannot out run this pain I'm carrying ...if I do I'm surely gonna have a meltdown,or it may kill me emotionally. But one thing is a fact that eventually in life everything breaks (somewhere down the line). This may sound stupid: I've almost felt guilty that my life was arbitrarily burdensome !!!
It's not like the people that I'm close to act like I'm a burden to them , they get scared they take the exist and focus on other distractions ...they scared whether I'll have a meltdown, go into depression or solitude. I'm so fond of shutting everyone out...I like to be in my own space working out my own mess .They feel isolated and distant ...but it's my way of finding myself again. I accept this compromise that's not the hard part; the hard part is not knowing each new thing that I endeavor or what happens to me, I worry if it's where I break !!!
I need to take ownership and put things in order... that's how I live my life now, I try to appreciate, savor not pass-by !!!