People often ask me what I've learnt from surviving what I've been through.I know they mean well but it's a really annoying question!!!! Being constantly paranoid and violated will make anyone not be themself ,its not exactly a master class facing death or being tortured (it leaves a scar for life).Though it did teach me something (IT THOUGHT ME THAT IM STILL ALIVE). The relief joy and hope I felt that like lasted for thirty seconds, i was alive that made me realize how precious every little second is...Then all the worst case scenarios starts screaming in my head.My thinking has become so dark its been 28
days since my attack but it seems like yesterday.
There's so much fear ...you guys probably won't get it, Nobody will understand how I feel yes I put up a brave front, I smile and act all tough ,but honestly I'm not! I'm so freaking terrified of every little sound when my phone rings ,window shatters dogs barking,thr darkness (lights being turn off or even the lights on scares me,)
I'm so paranoid that I'm afraid of my own shadow or my breathing. Nobody deserves to go through life being soo terrified...
There's a part of me that died or just gone into a deep sleep ,I'm lost in my thoughts, drowning myself with a flood of questions and it all begins with why (ME) thinking of it crave's out my stomach.Guess everyone that goes through different types of trauma's recovers differently, But believe me right now recovery seems like a blast from the past and I'm far from it .I know it's not gonna happen all at once ,Survivors skill doesn't go away ...im not sure of anything lately, where I belong? why am I still alive ?my mind is like a constant warehouse just storing up inconclusive thoughts .Blaming myself maybe I could have ran or maybe I could have hid somewhere,maybe I could have fought back, (there's so many maybe's) I just froze....will continue when I'm ready to truly express my thoughts ...its like reliving that entire day #nightmare