Grieve Journey Part 1
Dedicated to my grandson LANDON MESHAEL !!!
Silence is a person's loudest cry...
It means that the heart is too tired for words. People think life gets easier after losing a loved one and for me it was my youngest healthy,bubbly grandson, they don't know how hard it is to keep the tears and sadness from everyone. Whenever landon visited he would scream from the front gate"Grandma" and eventually when he reached my door you could hear that suttle knock. That little human would cause a disaster, running wild into almost everything, turning the place into a war zone, throwing stuff around, capsizing everything in his way. He would ask me so many times for water or juice and the way he pronounced the word water was so memorizing !!!
I knew he was actually not thirsty...he was just getting a kick of seeing me get up and give it to him, of course i knew that and of course i didnt care. I enjoyed spending those priceless moments with him. Landon visits to me were very limited...everything about Landon's whole life to me has been as long as five minutes go by. From screaming grandma to asking for water and throwing my stuff out the window and door, to seeing his beautiful eyes or watching him run and bump/bruise his skinny body scared the hell out of me...I tell you this as his grandma I'D KILL FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES !!!
It will forever seem to me that you are three years old asking for water or throwing my stuff out the window or door, to me your life has only lasted for five minutes. If you ever thirsty again Landon I'll give you all the water no matter if you just wanna play around with it, if you wanna capsize or tumble anything in my house again I promise not to tell you to stop if only I could have five more minutes with you. The hardest part wasn't letting you go, it was understanding that you didn't wanna stay, I can't wrap my mind around this I struggle with you not wanting to stay !!!
Everything I do now is to distract me from the fact that things aren't find and they never again gonna be fine...every waking day is finding a distraction that can carry me through the day until I have to wake up and do it all again. I feel so disconnected with everything, so much like I'm not even here anymore, I'm trying my best to make sure I don't drown. If you don't understand why someone is grieving so much for so long, then consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand. Some days you feel like you healing, other days it's hurting all over again, but the journey continues...Isn't it scary knowing anytime could be the last time you speak to someone👈keep that in mind !!!