I wish there was a pill we could take to erase certain painful memories permanently...our morning routine consists of putting all our broken pieces together and finding the strength through one more day without falling apart, right now our pain is like the ocean, somedays we can stand in the water and we're able to breath. Other times the waves are so strong they knock us off our feet, everything feels heavy and we can't keep our head above the water. Some memories never leave your mind, like salt in the sea they become part of you. Sometimes I'm afraid to heal because i fear that healing will bring me closer to forgetting "our baby" I do not want to grow further away from him because at least missing him still means a part of him is close to me !!!
I talk about him is because I want him to be remembered...although he's not physically with me, he's never far from my mind, he will always be apart of me, a part that I could never ignore or forget. How special to have memories that is triggered by a photo/video or a song, but how powerless the realization we cannot control when they emerge and how ruthless they hit...
For a few seconds every morning I feel like everything is normal, then reality hits me that "our baby" is no longer with us and once again I have to lose him all over again. No one is mentally prepared for that pain and emptiness you feel after losing a child, especially the parents (constantly wondering what had happened, what went wrong, depression kicks in, longing to be whole again, seeing what others have, what they have lost) it's heartbreaking !!!
We had no clue we could miss someone so much...that every part of our heart aches, who knew that your mind could simply stop functioning, with only one single thought remaining. Just one agonizing statement whirling around...which you want to scream to the heaven's, (why him/come back/we need you). To be honest none of us are okay...it's like we all are dying from the inside, our hearts literally hurts. Nobody knows how many times we sit and stare into the emptiness just crying, we lost all hope, sometimes we just gotta hold back our tears when in public, we see a "Dinosaur or Spiderman figurine" or character clothing...nobody knows what we feeling or how much we are all hurting, breath we tell ourselves, stay strong for Reece and Yolisha (the baby's parents) it hurts like a knife piercing through your heart again and again !!!