Finding me... Time to rip of the band-aid and glue myself back together. I lost myself, I lost that wild child that was inside of me, I lost my smile, there's no room in my life right now for any kind of stress but me, finding myself has become my priority. In my younger years I had peace and joy, love and happiness, stability and foundation... I was a competitor amongst my siblings, i would always want to fight to get what i wanted, I looked back at my last thirty years and all I see is tears and heartache, pain and abuse !!!
My parents set a standard about how woman should be treated and spoken too...my dad just didn't say it to us, he showed us everyday of our life's. By how he treated my mom, he held her hand, opened doors for her, constantly told her how beautiful she is, helped her with household chores and shopping, now that to me was "real love", watching my parents. That is what I expected out of marriage, not the "shit" I had to witness in my married life !!!
Looking back at my life has been an eye opener, "the things I have conquered, the things I've been through " *shit... I abandoned me, I sabotaged me, now life has me wondering how I managed to still be here, to still be alive. I need to apologize to myself... taking my mind back to when i was just eighteen (i freaking messed up my whole life), I gave up so much of myself to be someone I wasn't ready for, that the real me took the backseat in my new life, I was now a wife to someone I never really loved, a mother to kids, when I myself was still an unexperienced child !!!
In my twenties I kept trying and trying... fighting to stay afloat, when I knew I was drowning inside. In my thirties I fell apart, I wasn't drowning anymore... I was suffocating, no way to go, no one to turn too
Met the forties in me that was very clear, that woman inside me... realized "I'm not giving up anymore of me", finally i had the courage to divorce and walk away, never looking back, i had to resurface with zero fuck to give, you wanna be in my life then prove to me I'm worth fighting for !!!
I'm giving "ME" another chance to life... I'll be damn if I ever go back to that old me again. I'm wanting and needing some self-care, self-love... taking myself out the gutter, drained me physically, mentally and emotionally. Let me tell you something about a good woman... we are faithful to a fault , well most of us are, and I am that one. I am never going to allow anyone to ever disrespect me again, like most woman when people *fucked up, I would look for the little good inside someone and give them a second chance. One thing I realized is you can't break a strong woman, I'm done being pushed too far... "It's time for me to "Rise and Shine" and find the strength to keep going !!!
@atticradiothecarouselneverstopsturning
Stay safe
V.
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