I love silence... I love my own space "i call it my me time ". I say or write what I feel or what I see happening around me... we relentlessly break the code sometimes ; make ourselves seem like a viper; lose our own respect ; there's no judgements coming from me. We live through worst; reliving our worst memories ...afraid to acknowledge how brave we really are...we think we cowards instead of owning your own strength !!!
Ever wonder why i share so much personal stuff ...I do realize that in order for people to talk you gotta do the talking first . I tell you my story in the hopes you tell your story; we dismiss our own bravery. You are a straight up hero in your own story...how many people you'd think would tell there story (my estimate number is none cos everyone is either too ashamed or too scared) who gave you so much shame to carry? You may not be ashamed; you just not all that brave !!!
Do you know how few human beings who will tackle the men who are beating their wives. Yet you carry this sickening ,awful powerless feeling; having this nasty feeling like "God screw you" you having God complexes. It's like God's laughing...do I believe in a punishing God? no I don't. I was taught God rewards the righteous and punishes the wicked. But the stuff I experienced and watched lately (my thoughts were is everyone wicked?) did everyone deserve to be punished, did I deserve to be punished? !!!
I was punished...am I wicked? All the misfortunes I've been experiencing was I a bad person . All that comes to my mind if God is punishing the wicked ...am I the wicked ? I've been angry with God with the system ;I have a few revenge fantasies. But what did I do? Nothing as always; opposite of wicked is righteous ; that's what I was and that's what I am. Our bodies are wired for a particular pattern; comfort and love are followed by sudden and shocking loss.
Traumas wires us for certain patterns until we name them and heal them !!!
A rule that was pounded into me "EYES FORWARD"...I think about dying; I'm not suicidal ; I'm exhausted ,thinking of dying is like an escape...like when I was a kid I'd look up at the clouds, it looked so soft ,like I could rest and I could fall into a deep sleep.With everything that I've accomplished I could learn to let myself rest ,sleep and love in this life ; Instead of waiting for death to set me feel !!!