My Grief Journey Part 2...
I talk about him(Landon)...because I am the memory keeper of the life that exist only in my mind. I talk about him; I post up his videos and photos as a reminder that to me his life will always exist. The impact this little human had on so many of us is irreplaceable...those that knew and those that did not get a chance of knowing him. I will still continue talking about him or posting up his stuff cause to me Landon will still be here with us weaved into everything we are and do. His memory will truly never end...it maybe will become softer over time,gentle and then those days it will hit us that he's no more with us, this emptiness will last as long as love does-forever !!!
Just so you know we cannot stop grieving just because you believe it's time for us to move on...we cannot stop hurting just because you do not understand the piercing pain in our hearts. We cannot stop our tears from flowing just because it makes you uncomfortable...our hearts cannot be mended just because you believe that we have grieved long enough. Just so you know we will grieve the loss of our baby (Landon) for the rest of our lives. It's so difficult moving forward; for the first time in my life I crave stagnacy...because moving forward feels like i am consciously deciding for space to grow between me and Landon, so being stagnant feels better. Not having fun feels better; isolation feels better; not having conversations with anyone feels better. It feels like there is no way we can live our life's without our precious boy (it feels better if we on stand still mode) !!!
But somedays you realize that by standing still-you are not living the life that our Landon would've wanted us to live...by standing still we are wasting the one thing we have (that Landon no longer has) that's life. So each day we decide to put one foot in front of the other and pray that it will be enough to move forward. Though Landon no longer physically walk beside us...his memory lights our path, we try to let all the love we shared,his smile;his voice guide us through our darkest moments. We will let baby's legacy live on through us and all that we remember of him !!!
It's not an easy journey especially remembering the day we had to let him go...letting him go was the hardest by far we ever had to do, seeing you for the last time and knowing it was the last time, guess we all tried so hard to soak every last detail of you. Knowing that one day not too long from then, we would long to be looking for the last time. I remember that day at the hospital... i held your hand your tiny little body laying on the bed like you in a deep sleep, not ever wanting to let you go. I'm still trying to memorize the weight of your hand in mind...I wish time would have still stood a day before for a few years longer. I remember everyone telling me it's time to leave, I knew we could no longer stay there forever because someone probably needed the hospital bed. I remember having to walk away from you...knowing that there would be no more tomorrow's with our baby, knowing it was the last time. Still remember leaving without you, going to your home to an emptier house; every sound amplified by the silence left in your absence. That was the day we all lost ourselves !!!