Guilt or love...confessions of an aching heart ! Honestly the day you left me broken, a whole chapter closed inside me. It is a reminder to me that life is short...this hit me hard (we're here in the moment, and in a second life can just change and we could fade away) life is not promised nor is time. To me life is about making memories...whether it is a screen shot, video, voice recordings or selfies, that's what we have to hold onto when we lose a loved one, so go and create more memories while you still can. I was told today that I was "GUILT CRYING" guilt crying I asked myself...yes I'm guilty of alot of things. I'm guilty I did not spend enough time with you, I'm guilty for not looking after you, I'm guilty of staying so far away from you, I'm guilty for not answering my phone that day you left this earth, above all I'm guilty for not being there when you took your last breath, that guilt kills me everyday, yes I wish it was me that went away and not you my puppy...I lost the urge to live !!!
It broke me into a million pieces the day you took your last breath, I was never prepared for the shock of my life, my life changed completely that day ..hearing our little precious flawless handsome boy is no more. I watched your little body laying in that casket...your face was purple, that peaceful baby I saw in the hospital sleeping, looked nothing like the baby I saw in the casket, I couldn't believe you were once our little breathing living baby
It was like reality took a big hit at me, by showing me how this would be your last destination. I stood there in disbelief, each tear down my face weighted more than observed. Life stood still...indescribable muffled voices of people crying repeated for what seemed forever. That was the hardest for me ever...watching you lay there so still crushed every part of me, I never once saw you sit still or lay down for too long, nothing could keep you still my boy, at that exact moment every single thing about my life changed forever !!!
The day your soul left this earth...was the day mine did too, i cried so much and it wasn't from guilt but merely the love I had for you my puppy. My heart no longer beats the same, my eyes no longer see the same, my mind no longer thinks the same, while I am physically here, my soul is with yours, bound together in the stars. My whole mindset has changed...I don't even have the energy to do certain things or be around certain people anymore. I'm at a point in my life now were if something feels like it's draining my energy or fighting with my peace of mind, I'm not dealing with it at all...I'll walk away in a heartbeat. I'm officially in a quiet "Era"...I don't have much to say about anything anymore, so dear life please "STOP" don't make me cry again and again because I honestly don't have the strength nor do i have anyone who can make me stop crying !!!